Open Letter to a Car Thief

You stole my car. On Friday night, while I was sleeping. You must have been very quiet, because our window was open, and our dog didn’t make a peep.

His name is Casper. Besides being white, my partner and I laugh that his grill looks like he’s sporting a shit-eating grin. “They look so silly,” he always says. I always likened the expression to a combination of deadmau5′ “mau5head” and Meowth, the feline Pokemon.

mau5head meowth

I hope the contents of the vehicle prove useful. The Helly Hansen jacket is brand new – worn only twice or thrice. I really liked it. The David’s Tea mug is great, especially if you drink loose tea. My favourite is “The Skinny,” from the same store. The yoga pants were my favourite pair, and the sneakers are quite comfortable. I apologize if the clothing smells – I had been to the gym earlier that afternoon. Do you like to exercise? I feel like the gym is a second home. Heck, maybe we both have memberships at GoodLife Fitness. Maybe, we’ve crossed paths. It’s a pretty small world, after all.

There is a first aid kit in the trunk. If you hurt yourself, it’s fully stocked with Band-Aids. I wanted to be prepared for an emergency paper-cut. Those really hurt.

There is a new air freshener in the glove compartment. Our dog loved sleeping in the back seat, so if it starts to smell like him, that might prove useful. After a while, one becomes used to the smell of their “furbaby,” but I understand it might be a novel odour to the car’s new owner.

The car handles amazingly, and it just had an oil change, so that shouldn’t be a concern. It’s great on gas, too. That was a huge selling feature, because when I purchased the car, I was working in sales and needed an efficient vehicle.

Unfortunately, I ate inside the car. I’m sure you’ll notice a lot of crumbs and stains near the cup holders. I apologize for that, but I’m a sucker for Egg McMuffins. I also really like coffee from McDonald’s. Do you like coffee? Maybe, we once crossed paths at the location in Panorama Hills. That was my go-to spot on Friday mornings, when I treated myself to breakfast on the way to work.

By stealing my car, you stole my primary mode of transportation. Casper took me to work, helped me run errands, and helped connect me to my family in Edmonton and my partner’s family in Canmore. He took me to Vancouver and Mt. Baker, which is one of my favourite ski resorts. Do you ski or snowboard? I prefer to snowboard, and I’ve been snowboarding for 11 years.

My favourite station, as you’ll notice, is X92.9. I love their morning show – Tyler and Lynch are hilarious. Do we like the same kind of music?

We probably have a lot more in common than not. Except, I would never steal a car.

Remember, his name is Casper. Be good to him. He was always good to me.

Courtesy of Google Images.
Courtesy of Google Images.